


EPISODE SEVEN: "Be Doomed"

by gaypetersimmonds



Series: Skam Brighton: Season Five [8]
Category: Original Work, SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Character of Color, Episode 7, Multi, Skam season 5, boys night boys night boys night, i am once again stating that you oughta know (obc version) is one of the best songs of all time, tw for discussion of addiction in clip 4, tw for discussion of drug overdose/suicide and miscarriages in clip 1, tw for discussion of transphobia in clip 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaypetersimmonds/pseuds/gaypetersimmonds
Summary: Nick Braxton is out of control. Out at parties every weekend - where he gets more money than he spends, takes more drugs than he sells, and kisses more people than he can count. Everyone loves Nick. Except for when he comes home to his family.But Nick doesn't care. Nick doesn't care about anything - not how a lot of his friends have been avoiding him lately, not how tight money has been, and certainly not about failing his classes.He makes people happy with his products and he makes people laugh with his jokes, and that's enough for him - but whether they're laughing with him or at him gets harder to tell day by day.He can't control what he can or can't do, he can't control who he is and, worst of all, he can't control who he falls in love with - seeing as it's the one person who will never love him back. Probably.FIRST CLIP: "The Most Perfect Thing"
Series: Skam Brighton: Season Five [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930417
Comments: 7
Kudos: 9





	1. CLIP ONE: "The Most Perfect Thing"

**SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH, 10:36**

We silently watch morning shots of the city, leaves strewn over the ground, as we sweep around to a tall hospital.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, HOSPITAL

NICK lies in a bed, in a hospital gown, with a tube stuck into his left arm. He slowly blinks away, groaning, the song fading away as he looks over to see JOSEFINA and CHRISTIAN sitting next to him - JOSEFINA watching him with a relieved, tearful smile as CHRISTIAN looks up from his phone, carefully expressionless.

JOSEFINA  
Nick.

NICK rubs his eyes, looking around at the curtained-off section they’re in, confused.

JOSEFINA  
Oh, thank God you're awake.

NICK  
What happened?

CHRISTIAN  
You're concussed.

NICK raises his eyebrows, laughing tiredly.

NICK  
Fun. Why?

JOSEFINA and CHRISTIAN exchange a look, JOSEFINA shaking her head slightly.

CHRISTIAN  
You apparently had an overdose and passed out from it.

All humour leaves NICK‘s face, a loud silence filling the room.

NICK  
Oh.

Another pause, JOSEFINA wiping her eyes as NICK looks up at the liquid being pumped into his body, the plain white walls staring down at him. CHRISTIAN sighs loudly, NICK quickly looking over at him.

CHRISTIAN  
Nick, do you know how much we spend on trying to help you fix this? I actually thought you were hoping for a good future for once.

NICK’s mouth falls open, blinking quickly, confused and tired.

NICK  
I-- I'm sorry.

CHRISTIAN nods, pressing his lips together - trying to keep it together.

CHRISTIAN  
Yeah, rightfully so.  


JOSEFINA turns sharply to him and snaps:

JOSEFINA  
Stop!

CHRISTIAN and NICK both look at him, both confused, NICK not completely there.

CHRISTIAN  
What?

JOSEFINA sits up straighter, shakily standing her ground.

JOSEFINA  
Don't speak to my son that way. He is-- He is sick and you are not helping.

CHRISTIAN scoffs, NICK looking over at him.

CHRISTIAN  
And he's helping himself? He almost killed himself!

JOSEFINA looks away, overcome with emotion, as NICK furrows his brow, looking down at himself.

NICK  
Did… Did I?

JOSEFINA looks at him, kindly confused.

JOSEFINA  
Did you what?

NICK shrugs, wincing a little as he rolls his shoulders back.

NICK  
I… I don't think I was trying to kill myself, but like… I wasn't  _ not  _ trying to…?

He stares at the curtain in front of him, trying to work it all out in his head as CHRISTIAN’s jaw is dropped.

CHRISTIAN  
Oh my God.

NICK keeps staring ahead, thinking out loud:

NICK  
I-- I just wanted to get away.

JOSEFINA looks at him, heartbroken.

JOSEFINA  
What from?

NICK  
Just… Everything.

He turns over to look at them, unable to stop himself from speaking.

NICK  
I'm so tired. All of the time. And I'm never good enough, no matter what I do. I just… 

He trails off, shrugging and staring back at the curtain ahead of him. CHRISTIAN watches him, letting some sadness show in his face.

CHRISTIAN  
Why didn't you say anything?

NICK shrugs half-heartedly.

NICK  
I didn't think you would listen. Or care.

CHRISTIAN  
I… 

CHRISTIAN looks to JOSEFINA, but she stays watching NICK, NICK looking between the two of them, waiting for them to say something. CHRISTIAN opens his mouth, but then coughs, wiping a hand over his face and standing up.

CHRISTIAN  
I should go tell your brothers you're awake.

He promptly walks out of the room, NICK watching him go with a look of scorn. The second the door closes, he speaks:

NICK  
I can't believe him.

JOSEFINA sighs, reaching out and taking NICK’s hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb.

JOSEFINA  
He just… He's very set in his ways.

NICK keeps looking at the door, shaking his head.

NICK  
I told him I might have subconsciously tried to kill myself and he left.

JOSEFINA inhales sharply, steadying herself, holding on tighter to his hand as he looks at her apologetically, his mouth opening and closing.

JOSEFINA  
I don't… How did I not see?

NICK shrugs, looking down at their hands.

NICK  
I don't… talk.

He laughs a little, looking back up.

NICK  
Well, I do. I talk a lot of shit.

JOSEFINA laughs too, shaking her head fondly.

JOSEFINA  
Language.

NICK’s smiles slowly fades from his face, breathing in and out slowly.

NICK  
But… I always thought you wanted… This idea of a perfect son, not… Whatever I am.

JOSEFINA shakes her head, squeezing his hand.

JOSEFINA  
I love you so much. Your health and body will always be more important than your schoolwork.

NICK snorts, laughing it off bitterly.

NICK  
Not to the world. Not to Dad.

JOSEFINA sighs, nodding. She takes a moment, NICK tilting his head at her.

JOSEFINA  
I love your father, I really do. He's my partner in life, but… He would always rather be sure we have enough money to be happy than to have enough happiness that we don't need money. That’s why we changed our surname. “Braxton” is a lot easier to get hired than “Broqueza”.

She laughs a little, bittersweetly, NICK nodding along.

JOSEFINA  
My father was a very private man, himself. When I was around your age, about to turn 18, he had a heart attack at work. Apparently he'd been struggling with his heart for years and didn't tell anyone because he was ashamed.

NICK’s jaw slacks as he slowly looks around, blinking, letting it all sink in.

JOSEFINA  
It basically destroyed my mother. She just sat in her chair and knitted all day. For the rest of her days, up until even now.

She sighs deeply, looking NICK in the eye.

JOSEFINA  
Our family's always had troubles, Nick. They've always been ashamed to speak up. Even me.

She takes a shaky breath.

JOSEFINA  
Before I had you, I… I was pregnant and I lost the baby. And, between you and Matthew, we lost three others. That’s why we never told you about any pregnancies until I began to seriously show.

She sadly laughs a little, NICK squeezing her hand supportively.

NICK  
Mum, I… I had no idea.

JOSEFINA nods, clenching her jaw.

JOSEFINA  
I know. I made sure of it. But, seeing you… Close to death, just… I forgot you could get hurt. I forgot you could… 

She shakes herself.

JOSEFINA  
I thought about what would happen if…

Her voice cracks, NICK wincing, feeling the same pain she’s feeling as he holds onto her hand tighter.

JOSEFINA  
I wanted you to know that I'm human, Nick. I make mistakes. I've had bad things happen to me. So has every person in this family. Even your father.

A pause, both of them deep in thought.

JOSEFINA  
He cried when we got the call, you know.

NICK looks up at her, more surprised than confused.

NICK  
Really?

JOSEFINA nods, smiling as supportively as she can.

JOSEFINA  
He loves you. He's just bad at showing it in a language you can speak.

NICK stays still for a moment, actually listening to her.

JOSEFINA  
You need to learn to understand each other. As human beings, not just father and son.

NICK nods, and then slowly smiles at her.

NICK  
I never knew you were so smart.

JOSEFINA smiles bashfully.

JOSEFINA  
I wanted to be a writer, once upon a time.

NICK laughs a little, nodding.

NICK  
That explains the great bedtime stories.

JOSEFINA nods, her smile turning serious.

JOSEFINA  
I want you to be happy, Nick.

NICK nods at her, still smiling, but it’s shaking.

NICK  
I'm not.

His voice breaks and tears begin to fill his eyes - he quickly blinks them away, shaking his head.

NICK  
Why is that so hard to say?

JOSEFINA nods, understanding.

JOSEFINA  
I'm going to fight to get you the help you need, Nick.

NICK nods, laughing through tears.

NICK  
I want it.

He stops fighting it, he lets thee tears freely flow down his face.

NICK  
I want… I want to be healthy, I want to be fine and mean it, Mum.

JOSEFINA nods, beginning to cry herself, laughing a little.

JOSEFINA  
You will be. You will be so happy that you won't remember what this feels like.

NICK nods, wishing and wanting, and he sighs.

NICK  
I'm tired. Not-- Not like emotionally-- Well, yes, emotionally, but mostly physically.

JOSEFINA nods, squeezing his hand.

JOSEFINA  
Yes, they pumped your stomach and have you hooked up to some wire things. They said you'd be tired.

NICK nods.

NICK  
Will…

He trails off, embarrassed as she looks at him, listening.

JOSEFINA  
What?

NICK looks up, child-like and exhausted.

NICK  
Will you stay? While I sleep?

JOSEFINA nods quickly, like it's not even a question.

JOSEFINA  
Of course, Nick.

She squeezes his hand again as he stretches, getting comfy in the bed.

JOSEFINA  
I love you. So much. The thought that you would want to hurt yourself…

She shakes her head, wiping her eyes.

JOSEFINA  
You are the most perfect thing. 

NICK listens and accepts that she believes it. He smiles, humorous.

NICK  
I thought you said you didn't have a favourite kid.

JOSEFINA laughs a little.

JOSEFINA  
This is just between us.

NICK nods, his eyes beginning to close.

NICK  
You're good. You're a good mum. You deserve to stand up for yourself.

JOSEFINA nods, listening and accepting it.

JOSEFINA  
So do you, baby.

NICK nods back, smiling a little as his eyes fully close, _“Demi Moore” by Phoebe Bridgers_ beginning to play as JOSEFINA squeezes his hand again, the camera panning away.


	2. CLIP TWO: "You Can't Be That Alright"

**SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15TH, 12:07**

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, HOSPITAL

_“Demi Moore” by Phoebe Bridgers_ continues to play as NICK lies sleeping in his bed, stretching and yawning as he awakens. He rubs his eyes, blinking slowly as he looks over to the chairs next to him - they’re empty, but a note sits on one of them: “went to get lunch, will be back soon - mum”.

NICK nods to himself, yawning again and looking over to the small table to his right, on which sits his phone. He looks around, sighs, and picks it up, turning it on.

He immediately sees a long list of notifications - text messages, Instagram messages, posts he’s been @’d in - and his eyes go wide. He glances up to the corner - he has 8% battery left - and blows out some air, beginning to look through the notifications, only showing one message, but with a number next to them, showing how many messages that were sent.

A message from BRIANNA says: “are you okay??? they won’t let us visit you. praying for you btw.”, and one from SANDY says: “I hope youre doing okay, let us know when we can see you <3”. One from ESTHER says: “hey. can you let us know you’re not dead? thanks.”, and one from LIZ says: “I know we’re not the nicest to each other all of the time, and I know it’s mostly a joke, but I really hope you’re doing okay and are feeling better.”. NICK freezes at that one for a moment, not sure whether to be happy or sad or anything in between. He just keeps scrolling.

There’s one from JAKE: “Nick I’m really sorry about last night, I hope you’re feeling better now, if there’s anything I can do to help you just tell me”. NICK bites his lip at that one, thinking about it for a moment, before scrolling on. There’s one from THEO: “please let us know you’re okay. we’re all really worried.”. NICK smiles a little, used to THEO acting that way, and scrolls on.

There’s a message from ALISTAIR: “hello, i hope you’re alright. well, you overdosed on drugs, you can’t be that alright. but i hope you’re working on being alright and we can see you soon, because everyone really values your presence.”. NICK laughs a little, raising his eyebrows, as he scrolls on, all humour leaving his face as he sees a message from RORI: “Hi Nick. I’m really sorry about what happened. I saw you get carried out. I really, really hope you’re doing okay and we hear from you soon”.

NICK sighs deeply, rubbing his temples, as he scrolls on, reaching the two messages at the bottom - one from JAMES saying: “i’m so sorry. I know i probably influenced this and i can’t be sorry enough. I love you so much. Tell me when we can talk irl, i miss you.”. NICK sucks in his lips, taking a deep breath, as he looks at the single message beneath it:

“hey nick. i heard about what happened. i know you have a lot of stuff going on right now, and i think you took some of it out on me. i would love to talk to you soon, whenever you’re comfortable talking. i like talking to you and i wish you all of the best and a smooth recovery <3.” It’s from MILO.

NICK takes a deep breath, staring at the message for a long, long moment. His thumb hovers over it, on the verge of pressing down, when the screen goes dark, a white box popping up saying “2% left! Plug in charger now!”.

NICK’s eyes go wide as he quickly opens Instagram. He takes a quick picture of the ceiling, and writes out on top of it: “Yo. My phone is about to die and I can’t get a charger yet but I've seen all of your messages and I’m really grateful for it all. I’m getting better and don’t know when I’ll be out. Probably soon lmao byeeee”. He posts it onto his story, watching it for a few moments before his phone screen goes black. He tries to turn it back on again - it doesn’t - and he sighs, setting it back onto the side table.

He stares up at the ceiling, and he breathes. In, and out. In, and out. And he calmly closes his eyes again - not asleep, just relaxing.


	3. CLIP THREE: "Are You Better Now?"

**TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17TH, 14:25**

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE, HOSPITAL

NICK awkwardly sits in a chair opposite a desk, which a DOCTOR is sitting. NICK twiddles his thumbs, biting his lip and looking out the window as he waits for the DOCTOR to finish reading whatever’s on his computer.

DOCTOR  
Right, Nick.

NICK jumps, surprised, and quickly tries to nod, an awkward half-smile on his face.

DOCTOR  
Everything seems to be stable with you, and we've recommended some rehabilitation facilities to your parents. We highly recommend you discuss them and go wherever seems best for you.

NICK nods, beginning to smile genuinely.

NICK  
Right. Yeah, that sounds really great. Thanks for your help.

The DOCTOR nods, stiff and awkward.

DOCTOR  
It's my job.

NICK laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling the hair that’s grown slightly too long there.

NICK  
I know, but still.

The DOCTOR tries to laugh a little, half-hearted, as NICK awkwardly look away, biting his thumbnail.

DOCTOR  
Just try and be more careful in the future. Preferably don't do drugs, but be careful if you do.

NICK laughs - brief and confused.

NICK  
Okay…?

The DOCTOR nods, awkwardly coughing.

DOCTOR  
Okay.

They stare at each other for a long moment, both of them nodding a little. 

DOCTOR  
Bye.

NICK nods, laughing awkwardly with relief and quickly stands up.

NICK  
Bye.

They stare at each other for another moment, before NICK turns and walks out.

INT. HALLWAY, HOSPITAL

NICK walks into the hallway, closing the door behind him. He looks up and down - there’s no one. He grins, jumping up and down, holding his arms tight to his chest. He slows down, laughing a little with his joy.

NICK  
A new start… A new start.

He nods to himself, pleased and excited, and walks on down the hallway.

INT. WAITING ROOM

JOSEFINA and CHRISTIAN sit in the waiting room, other patches of people sitting in the rectangle of chairs. As NICK walks out of a door, his smile more serious, they both stand up, looking at him expectantly.

NICK  
He said I can go home.

JOSEFINA grins, her hand resting on her heart, as CHRISTIAN nods resolutely, his eyes lightening up a little.

CHRISTIAN  
Great.

He and NICK look to JOSEFINA for direction.

JOSEFINA  
Let's go get your stuff sorted.

NICK nods, walking past them towards a long corridor, but CHRISTIAN holds JOSEFINA back for a moment.

CHRISTIAN  
[whispers] Keep him for a while.

NICK looks confused, but as JOSEFINA walks to beside him, grinning, he smiles as well, both of them walking on down the corridor as CHRISTIAN quickly walks out the door labelled “STAIRS”, _“Bite The Hand” by boygenius_ beginning to play.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

NICK pulls up his jeans, looping the belt over his waist as JOSEFINA twists his vape pen around in her hands, looking at the cigarette box sitting on the side table in front of her. NICK looks over to her and nods. She puts both of them into her handbag, NICK quickly turning away to try and hide his hurt. He shakes himself out, trying to smile.

He pulls his jacket over his body, rifling through the pockets and taking out the money he made on Friday. He looks down at it, almost confused, and instinctively begins to hold it out to JOSEFINA. She shakes her head and pushes it back towards him. NICK takes a moment, and then takes it. She smiles sad, and then hugs him tightly, her head resting on his chest. NICK instantly hugs her back, not even thinking about it.

JOSEFINA  
When’d you get so tall?

NICK  
Maybe you’re just getting shorter.

JOSEFINA laughs.

JOSEFINA  
Maybe. I’ll just disappear into the ground one day.

NICK’s face falls as JOSEFINA pulls away, quickly shaking her head.

JOSEFINA  
Not like--

NICK nods.

NICK  
I know, Mum. Shall we get going?

JOSEFINA  
Yes. We shall.

The song kicks back in as NICK takes one last look around, and then pulls the curtain open. He squints at the bright light for a moment, and JOSEFINA takes his hand. They walk out of the room together.

INT. CORRIDORS

They walk down endless corridors together, hand in hand, past doctors and nurses and patients and worried family. NICK glances around, not quite sure about being seen, but JOSEFINA keeps squeezing his hand and talking inaudibly to him, making him smile and laugh in spite of himself.

EXT. ENTRANCE, HOSPITAL

They walk out of the entrance, passing by a little smoking area. NICK glances over at it, and JOSEFINA points ahead, the song fading out.

JOSEFINA  
Look, there’s the car.

NICK looks up to see their car sitting there, CHRISTIAN standing outside of it. He opens the back door, and MATTHEW immediately runs out, throwing his arms around the highest part of NICK he can reach.

MATTHEW  
Nick!

NICK laughs, picking him up and spinning him around as GABE and MATTHEW get out of the car, more serious - they understand the situation in a way that MATTHEW doesn’t yet.

NICK  
Hey, buddy!

MATTHEW looks up at him, grinning widely as he’s set down and they start to walk back towards the car.

MATTHEW  
Are you better now?

NICK looks over to JOSEFINA for a moment - she’s scared. NICK keeps smiling, looking down at MATTHEW.

NICK  
Yeah! Yeah, I'm a lot better!

GABE and LUKE exchange a look - they both know he’s not, but they keep quiet. NICK nods at them, grateful for their bare minimum.

LUKE  
Too bad. I've had the computer to myself for days.

NICK snorts, the tension broken as LUKE smiles back at him.

NICK  
Yeah, I'm just here to ruin everything.

LUKE nods as GABE shakes his head quickly, still serious.

GABE  
Don't say that. That's not nice.

NICK’s smile shakes a little.

NICK  
It's a joke, Gabe.

GABE shrugs, looking down, overwhelmed by the need to protect. NICK awkwardly rubs his shoulder - he’s not used to being the protected one.

GABE  
Still.

NICK nods, and then claps his hands, smiling.

NICK  
Right! Shall I be getting home? I miss eating actually good food.

CHRISTIAN grins, the spitting image of NICK.

CHRISTIAN  
And you'll find it at home?

JOSEFINA laughs, swatting his shoulder.

JOSEFINA  
Hey!

LUKE, GABE and MATTHEW begin to climb back into the car, JOSEFINA walking around to sit in the passenger’s seat as CHRISTIAN coughs awkwardly, taking a packet of gum out of his pocket and he hands it out to NICK.

NICK  
Um, why?

CHRISTIAN  
My-- My co-worker. She’s quitting smoking. She said chewing gum helped her when she had cravings, so I thought…

He trails off as NICK nods, taking a moment, taking it in. He takes the gum and puts it in his pocket. He looks into his father’s eyes. This is love.

NICK  
Thanks, Dad.

CHRISTIAN  
Just trying to help.

NICK  
You are.

CHRISTIAN is frozen for a moment, by the sincerity of it, and nods, getting into the driver’s seat. NICK takes a look back at the hospital, and then climbs into the car.


	4. CLIP FOUR: "Up and Down"

**WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18TH, 15:33**

INT. NICK AND LUKE’S ROOM, NICK’S HOUSE

_"Relay" by Fiona Apple_ plays as NICK is lying in his bed, his hair messy and slept in, his eyes half-shut. He’s looking at his phone - not seeing what’s going on on it, just looking at it. His earphones are in as he’s watching an LGBT TikTok compilation. He sighs, and then closes out of it, his eyes focusing as he opens his messages with MILO - he hasn’t answered the last one yet, but he still looks at it, his thumbs hovering where the keyboard should be, when there’s a knock at the door. NICK jumps, holding his phone to his chest.

NICK  
Yeah?

THEO [O.S.]  
It’s us. Can we come in?

NICK sighs, a little relieved as he turns his phone off, putting it under his pillow and sitting up, smoothing his hair.

NICK  
Yeah.

The door opens and the BOY SQUAD comes in - JAKE awkwardly smiling, THEO nodding at him, JAMES with sadness all around him, and ALISTAIR, still.

JAMES  
Hey.

NICK nods, both trying to smile and trying not to smile.

NICK  
Hi.

A moment of silence. None of them want to start, but they all know they can’t stay quiet.

JAKE  
How are you doing?

NICK snorts drily.

NICK  
I’m the soberest I’ve been since I was eleven.

There’s an awkward silence, and then some awkward laughter. NICK nods, looking away, breathing out shakily.

THEO  
Fun times.

NICK nods, breathing out a short laugh.

NICK  
Yeah…

There’s another pause, louder than any of the words spoken so far.

JAKE  
So, um. You’re alive.

NICK snorts.

NICK  
Clever deduction, Jacob.

JAMES doesn’t make eye contact as he quietly speaks:

JAMES  
Why didn’t you tell us?

NICK looks at him, completely taken aback and out of his depth.

NICK  
What?

JAMES shrugs, looking up and meeting NICK’s eyes - they’re both so heartbreakingly sad, but still trying not to look it.

JAMES  
I-- I mean, you were obviously going through something when you did that, so... Fuck, why didn't we notice?

NICK shrugs, nervously laughing, looking away, down at the floor.

NICK  
I-- I’m fine.

THEO rolls his eyes.

THEO  
You overdosed on more drugs that you can find in a chemist’s, Nick.

NICK laughs, more surprised than anything, and nods.

NICK  
Okay. Fair.

He lets out a deep breath, his mouth opening and closing as he searched for the right thing to say for a few moments.

NICK  
Just… You guys wouldn’t understand.

JAMES shakes his head, confused.

JAMES  
What wouldn’t we understand?

NICK breathes in sharply, and then shrugs, breathing out a laugh.

NICK  
I… I just went too hard. I made a mistake.

There's a beat. JAMES sighs, looking him in the eye - gentle.

JAMES  
The first time was a mistake, Nick. 

NICK laughs again, looking away, rapidly blinking.

NICK  
I-- I don’t know what the big deal is.

THEO looks at him, his brow furrowed, clearly upset.

THEO  
You’re our friend and you could’ve died.

NICK is frozen for a moment, his mouth stuck open as THEO's shoulders hunch, small and sorry and sad.

THEO  
Do you really think we care so little about you that we wouldn’t feel bad about that?

He shakes his head, laughing humourlessly.

THEO  
I… I know I can say the wrong thing, like, a lot, but you’re one of my best friends. We’re all best friends. We care about you.

NICK is still for a moment.

NICK  
I just… 

He trails off, awkwardly laughing.

NICK  
I’m a fucking joke.

JAKE shakes his head.

JAKE  
You’re a human being.

NICK looks at him, confused.

JAKE  
I know it’s easy to forget sometimes, but you are. You made a mistake, and you're really lucky. And-- And shit is hard. It’s harder when you keep it all to yourself. Hurt people hurt people. Mostly themselves. My-- My therapist said that.

He smiles, kind of awkward, as NICK nods, listening, thinking.

JAMES  
And-- And if you think we wouldn’t understand, we can try. We can empathise. Besides, we’ve all had, like, basically three lifetimes of experiences between us.

He laughs a little, NICK joining in and nodding. He sighs, a little more relieved than before.

NICK  
Being a teenager fucking sucks.

Some more laughter from the BOY SQUAD, a lot of the tension lifted.

JAKE  
Yeah, they don’t warn you about that part of it.

NICK nods, afraid to speak again, to make it all serious. He takes a breath, and speaks:

NICK  
I just… I wanted to get away from everything in my head, but… It was just too much. 

He opens his mouth, going to laugh, but then stops himself. He begins to lightly scratch his wrist, regulating his breathing.

JAMES  
Nick, I know you don’t like Liz’s dad as your therapist, but--

NICK quickly shakes his head.

NICK  
No, I’m seeing a new person. Well, I will be.

There's a pause, and NICK goes on:

NICK  
They specialise in teen addiction stuff. It’s every day, at first. In the evenings. With group stuff on weekend mornings. They wanted me to go out to some sanctuary place, but I wanted to stay. So I’m doing this.

He nods, resolute in himself, smiling a little as the BOY SQUAD nod back, all supportive in their own ways.

THEO  
That sounds really good for you.

NICK laughs a little.

NICK  
Yeah. I feel like I’m dying, but I’ll be good one day.

JAMES laughs a little, a little strained. NICK looks at him - he's clearly jealous.

JAMES  
Yeah. It’ll-- It’ll be great for you.

NICK nods, and then his eyes go wide, sitting up straighter.

NICK  
Shit, Jimmy, what about all the stuff I have at your place?

JAMES shrugs, stuttering as he thinks.

JAMES  
We’ll use it all up. Not around you, of course, but still.

NICK nods, breathing in and out, and then freezes, looking up, horrified.

NICK  
Wait, this means I’m going to have to be in the sober corner with Bree and Fletcher.

A beat. And then an eruption of laughter - the standing BOY SQUAD leaning on each other as NICK falls forward onto his own lap, wiping tears from his eyes.

NICK  
At least Bree can smoke.

JAKE nods, stifling his laughter.

JAKE  
You’ll be okay. Smoking’s overrated, anyway. I’ve been cutting down on it this months and I feel a lot better.

NICK nods, laughing a little, frustrated.

NICK  
Yeah, but it helps me focus. It makes me actually work.

THEO looks at him for a beat.

THEO  
Nick, that’s probably mental illness. 

NICK laughs, and then realises THEO's serious face isn't sarcastic. NICK's smile falls.

NICK  
What?

THEO shrugs.

THEO  
You might just need proper medication to help you really focus. I don't know, I'm not a fucking doctor.

JAMES nods.

JAMES  
Yeah, weed helps me from an ADHD standpoint. At least I’m pretty sure it’s ADHD, I got nothing concrete yet.

NICK laughs, speaking quickly.

NICK  
Yeah, we know you have a complicated history with labels.

His eyes go wide, gasping at what he just said as JAMES looks away. JAKE loudly and awkwardly laughs.

JAKE  
Moving swiftly on!

NICK nods.

NICK  
Yeah, I-- I’m really tired.

He laughs a little, not lying.

NICK  
I’m not trying to get rid of you guys, I’m just, you know. Recovering and shit.

JAMES nods.

JAMES  
Totally.

THEO  
Will you text us later?

NICK  
Yeah. I just-- I thought you guys might be mad at me.

JAMES looks at him, completely confused.

JAMES  
Why would we be mad at you?

NICK shrugs, looking down.

NICK  
Just for, you know, fucking up. Ruining the fun.

JAKE  
You didn’t ruin anything, Nick. You’re just… You’re fine. We’re not mad at you. We just want to help.

THEO  
Also, we got you this.

THEO goes over to him and hands him a bright pink stuffed monkey.

NICK  
Where the hell did you get this?

JAKE, JAMES and THEO share a laugh as THEO walks back to the door.

JAKE  
We spent half an hour at a claw machine trying to get it for you.

THEO  
I’m the one who did it.

NICK laughs, holding the monkey up to his face.

NICK  
Fuck yeah! What should I name it?

JAKE  
Penis. Obviously.

Laughter.

THEO  
No, go more classy. Weiner.

JAMES  
Dick. Rhymes with Nick.

ALISTAIR  
What about Angel?

NICK jumps, surprised.

NICK  
Jesus fucking Christ, I forgot you were there.

ALISTAIR awkwardly laughs, looking down at his feet.

NICK  
That’s a great name, Al.

ALISTAIR nods, pleased.

ALISTAIR  
Just, you know. Metaphors you can all work out on your own, no need for me to… 

NICK nods.

NICK  
Yeah. Rebirth and Santa dresses and happiness and shit.

THEO  
All the things a young man needs to get better.

They all share a laugh again, JAKE opening the door.

JAKE  
We’ll see you soon, Nick.

NICK makes the monkey wave.

NICK  
Bye, guys.

THEO  
See you.

JAMES  
Goodbye.

JAKE, THEO and JAMES walk out, the front door opening in the background as ALISTAIR awkwardly lingers in the doorway, NICK watching him, confused.

ALISTAIR  
Just, um…

ALISTAIR walks up to him, speaking quietly.

ALISTAIR  
I know that recovery is hard and really non-linear. It feels awful at first, and then gets better, and then gets worse, and it’s up and down and up and down.

He laughs a little, awkward, NICK nodding, no idea what to say.

ALISTAIR  
Just, um… You can always talk about it. To anyone. It’s harder when you don’t have people to support you.

NICK  
Okay?

NICK laughs a little, trying to lift the tension.

NICK  
When did you become an expert in addiction? I’ve seen you cough because you just _saw_ a cigarette.

ALISTAIR laughs along, shrugging.

ALISTAIR  
I just…

NICK's smile falls as he realises.

NICK  
Oh. Bree.

A beat. ALISTAIR glances away, nodding.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah, yeah. Yeah… Yeah. 

NICK nods, awkwardly looking down at the monkey.

ALISTAIR  
She would be a good person to talk to. She’s very good at talking. We don’t share that gene. Or any gene. We’re not biologically related.

NICK laughs, nodding.

NICK  
I know, Al.

ALISTAIR nods, awkwardly fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper.

ALISTAIR  
Right.

He starts to walk away.

ALISTAIR  
I’ll, um… 

NICK waves.

NICK  
Bye.

ALISTAIR awkwardly nods, tightly smiling.

ALISTAIR  
Bye.

He walks out of the room, and NICK looks down at ANGEL the monkey. He makes them wave at him, and he laughs a little to himself. He then glances over at his phone, and picks it up. He turns it on, seeing his messages with MILO, and begins to type out: "Hey I'm doing a bit better now. Are you still doing that meeting thing on Friday? I would like to talk with you and I dont think my parents would let me go somewhere with no adults lmao."

He takes a sharp inhale and sends it. He then reaches to the gum packet next to his bed and takes one out, begin to chew as he exhales.


	5. CLIP FIVE: "Deny Me"

**FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20TH, 18:38**

INT. LIVING ROOM, NICK’S HOUSE

JOSEFINA sits alone on the sofa, “Coronation Street” playing quietly on the television as there’s a light knock at the door and NICK walks in. 

NICK  
Mum?

JOSEFINA smiles, sitting up straighter upon seeing him.

JOSEFINA  
Hi, Nick.

NICK smiles, nervous.

NICK  
I was wondering, um…

He looks down, speaking quickly.

NICK  
My friend's parents are running this youth group thing. He said that they work with troubled teens and that it could be helpful.

JOSEFINA is still for a moment, her face then turning apologetic.

JOSEFINA  
Oh, I don't--

NICK holds his phone up to her.

NICK  
Here's their Facebook page, and I can give you their numbers if you need to.

JOSEFINA is still, not sure what to do, as NICK bites his lip, trying not to sound too desperate.

NICK  
I just-- I really want to get out of the house.

JOSEFINA takes a moment, and then sighs, nodding.

JOSEFINA  
As long as you take someone with you. 

NICK smiles, so relieved.

JOSEFINA  
I can go.

NICK’s smile dims as he laughs a little.

NICK  
Oh, please, no.

JOSEFINA looks offended for a moment, so NICK quickly backtracks:

NICK  
I just-- You're my mum. It's weird.

LUKE [O.S.]  
I'll go.

NICK turns quickly around to see LUKE standing there, looking like he’s been there for quite a bit of time. He shrugs.

LUKE  
I'm a teen. I'll make sure he doesn't do anything.

NICK raises an eyebrow at him, surprised and sceptical as JOSEFINA nods, pleased.

JOSEFINA  
Okay. But home by nine and if you don't answer texts within five minutes, I will be calling.

NICK turns, smiling relieved as he walks up to her and gives her a hug.

NICK  
Thank you so much, Mum.

She hugs him back, and NICK turns, giving LUKE a confused look as LUKE shrugs, walking on past. NICK sighs quietly, rolling his eyes, and leaves the door, closing the door behind him.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE NICK’S HOUSE

As one door closes, another opens. NICK, now dressed in more formal clothing - a little stiff, not quite used to it - and LUKE, fidgeting nervously, walk out of the front door and begin to walk down the street in awkward silence. They keep glancing at each other, the other looking away when they notice the other looking. NICK takes a breath.

NICK  
So. Why'd you want to come?

LUKE shrugs, looking at his feet.

LUKE  
I have nothing else to do.

NICK nods, awkwardly laughing a little. 

NICK  
Yeah…

He blows out some air, his hands going into his pockets. He stops for a second, and then pulls out the packet of gum, walking on and beginning to chew.

LUKE  
I'm… Are you…

NICK looks at him, at his anxious fidgeting, and laughs - not cruel, just amused.

NICK  
I'm okay. Ish. You don't have to act all weird around me, I'm still the same me.

LUKE nods, awkward.

LUKE  
I know, but…

He shrugs, blowing out air, and looks over at NICK.

LUKE  
You've been acting weird. Like you're trying not to be you.

NICK breathes out a laugh, pulling at the too-tight collar of his shirt.

NICK  
I just…

He trails off - he has no answer. 

LUKE  
Don't… Don't make fun of me, but you're really cool.

NICK is completely taken aback, his eyebrows raising as high as they can go.

LUKE  
Like, seeing you be so you… It makes me feel like, I don't know… There's hope for me to be who I want to be when I'm older?

NICK looks at him, a softer confusion on his face, a familiarity with the words LUKE is saying.

NICK  
What do you mean?

LUKE kicks a stone down the pavement, and NICK watches it bounce and then land in the middle of the road, immediately getting run over by a car.

LUKE  
There's… You know my friend, Jayden?

NICK nods.

NICK  
Yeah. He's the rugby guy, right?

LUKE smiles, shameful, nodding.

LUKE  
Yeah.

NICK looks over at him and immediately recognises the expression on his face - the same longing he’s felt for years.

LUKE  
I-- I like him.

NICK sighs, shaking his head fondly.

NICK  
Oh, Luke.

He puts his arm around his shoulders, LUKE shifting uncomfortably.

NICK  
Am-- Am I the first person you've told?

LUKE nods, his shoulders hunching as NICK moves away from him, smiling as reassuringly as he can.

NICK  
Hey, it's okay. It's really cool. I can give you all the advice I wish I had.

LUKE gives him a look.

LUKE  
You've dated _one_ person.

NICK shrugs, still grinning.

NICK  
Still. 

LUKE looks at him, scared, and NICK’s smile quickly falls, his face serious.

LUKE  
Will… Will Mum and Dad still love me as much?

NICK breathes out, shaking his head in disbelief.

NICK  
Yes. Absolutely. You're still you, Luke. The exact same person you’ve always been. You just happen to think Jayden's cute.

LUKE blushes and looks away.

LUKE  
Shut up!

NICK laughs - it’s more of a cackle - and jumps from foot to foot.

NICK  
[sing-song] Oh, you have a crush!

LUKE groans, covering his face with his hands as NICK cackles again.

NICK  
This is so much fun, I'm gonna torture you so bad.

LUKE  
[muffled] Fuck you!

NICK’s laughter slows down as LUKE shows his face to the world again, smiling too.

NICK  
Hey, we're going to an LGBT youth group, so you can get some advice!

LUKE looks at him incredulously.

LUKE  
I'm not gonna ask him out.

NICK  
It's not about _him_. It's about you. Liking guys doesn't mean that all you are is liking guys. You’re still a human person. 

LUKE nods, as NICK leans in, speaking more quietly.

NICK  
Also, if you want some advice, try and get over him if you don’t want to ask him out. Having a crush on a friend for years sucks. Really bad. Like, the pain is so much fun, until it isn’t.

There’s a silence as they continue walking on, not awkward.

LUKE  
You… don't suck.

NICK snorts, and then looks him in the eye.

NICK  
I love you too.

LUKE wrinkles his nose, looking away.

LUKE  
Ew.

NICK quickly shakes his head.

NICK  
No, no, no. None of that toxic masculinity.

LUKE snorts.

LUKE  
Who are you, Veronica from Riverdale?

NICK shrugs, laughing a bit nervously.

NICK  
I'm helping.

LUKE goes still for a moment, also beginning to awkwardly laugh.

LUKE  
Sorry. I shouldn't be making shit about me, you're… going through it.

NICK nods, shrugging.

NICK  
Yeah, but… You still matter.

LUKE nods, shrugging.

LUKE  
Yeah, but… You're a human person.

NICK’s eyes go wide overdramatically as he slowly nods.

NICK  
Ah, you're learning empathy.

LUKE breathes out a laugh, looking down again.

LUKE  
Shut up.

NICK  
I'm still the oldest. I will never shut up.

LUKE  
Good. It's weird when you're quiet.

NICK is still for a moment, but then nods, smiling a little, _“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper_ beginning to play as they round a corner.

INT. MAIN HALL, COMMUNITY CENTRE

The room is fairly full, with teens, young people and a few adults sitting at tables and milling about, plastic cups in hand. There’s a table with drinks and snacks on it, and a small stage has been set up at one end of the room - a young person is on it, singing _“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper,_ a karaoke machine in front of them. People speak quietly all around the room - it’s very organized. 

At the front door stands a tall black woman - AMELIA WOODS - with a tub of stickers in front of her and some markers. NICK and LUKE walk in and take it all in, NICK looking over at AMELIA and smiling.

NICK  
Hi, we’re here for the--

AMELIA  
The LGBT youth group?

NICK nods, a little taken aback by her wide smile.

AMELIA  
Great! I’m Amelia Woods, I help run this group. My pronouns are she/her and it’s really nice to meet you both.

There’s a beat, both of them nodding.

LUKE  
Um, I’m Luke. I’m a he?

He looks a little unsure, but AMELIA keeps smiling and hands him a plain sticker and a marker.

AMELIA  
Great! You just write your pronouns down here so that people know. Unless you’re uncomfortable doing that, which is fine.

NICK nods, letting out a sigh of relief.

NICK  
Nick. I’m, uh, unconfirmed.

AMELIA smiles wider, clapping her hands.

AMELIA  
Oh, yes! Milo mentioned you wanted to come! I’m their mother. You were just fantastic in Rent, blew me away.

NICK smiles, embarrassed and pleased, as he begins to look around the room.

NICK  
Thank you. Um, where are… 

AMELIA points at a table where MILO and ANNABELL are sitting together, laughing about something.

AMELIA  
Oh, they’re over there. You can go say hi. 

NICK nods, but then looks over at LUKE, who looks very overwhelmed by it all.

AMELIA  
Luke, do you want to go get a drink? We have fizzy juice, water, normal juices.

LUKE nods.

LUKE  
Yeah, sure.

He then stops himself and looks over at NICK, who holds his hands up.

NICK  
I’ll literally be just at this table. You’ll see me the whole time.

LUKE nods, happy with that, and AMELIA leads LUKE over to the drinks table. NICK walks over to where MILO and ANNABELL are and stands awkwardly next to the table, neither of them seeing him for a moment.

NICK  
Hi.

They both turn around to look at him - ANNABELL smiling politely and MILO going still, and then slowly smiling.

ANNABELL  
Hey! Nick, right?

NICK nods, laughing a bit.

NICK  
Yeah. Annabell.

There’s an awkward silence, NICK fidgeting with his hands.

MILO  
Don’t stand there like a stranger, sit down.

NICK nods and takes the seat between them as MILO makes eye contact with him.

MILO  
How are you?

NICK laughs for a moment, thinking.

NICK  
Um… Better. Getting better.

ANNABELL looks between them both, confused.

ANNABELL  
Why, did something happen?

NICK goes still for a moment, and then laughs, nodding.

NICK  
Uh, I was in the hospital for a bit there, but I’m doing better, taking all the doctors’ advice and shit.

MILO nods, looking relieved.

MILO  
That’s good.

NICK glances at ANNABELL, and then coughs, looking at MILO.

NICK  
Look, um…  
  


He awkwardly laughs, but then stops himself.

NICK  
I’m really sorry for what I said to you. It was shitty and out of line and I hope you can forgive me.

MILO  
I do. I also hope you forgive me for also being a bit of a dick. Not as much as you, but still.

NICK snorts.

NICK  
Wow, thanks. 

MILO laughs as well, nodding.

NICK  
I do.

There’s a pause, as ANNABELL raises their eyebrows.

ANNABELL  
That is the most stiff conversation I’ve ever heard.

NICK snorts, turning to them.

NICK  
Well, you know me, I tend to make things stiff.

ANNABELL stares at him for a good few seconds, not blinking.

ANNABELL  
Thank you. I hate you.

NICK laughs, as MILO clicks their fingers.

MILO  
Anyways, I was told I was wanted to be spoken with?

ANNABELL  
Good grammar.

MILO  
Thank you.

NICK laughs awkwardly.

NICK  
Yeah, um…

He looks around, and then speaks quieter.

NICK  
This place has patient confidentiality, right?

MILO and ANNABELL exchange a confused look, as MILO raises an eyebrow at NICK.

MILO  
Yes…?

The PERSON at the karaoke machine stops singing, the room going quieter for a moment as NICK awkwardly laughs and quickly says:

NICK  
So. Um. I have been having a gender breakdown for the past few weeks and I thought you’d get it. And, Annabell, you’re…

ANNABELL gestures at the “THEY/THEM” sticker on their chest.

ANNABELL  
Not cis?

NICK nods awkwardly.

NICK  
Yeah, so you know. Advice. Help.

MILO nods quickly, nervous.

MILO  
Yeah, uh, of course.

NICK nods, waiting for them to speak. Both of them are quiet, looking at each other, both clearly panicking a little. NICK sighs, putting his head in his hands as a group of people begin to sing _“Dancing Queen” by ABBA._ NICK nervously taps his fingers to the beat.

ANNABELL  
What kind of gender breakdown?

NICK takes a deep breath.

NICK  
Well, I dyed my hair black to be more masculine, and then tried on my mum’s makeup and cried because I liked it so much.

MILO and ANNABELL both nod, understanding.

ANNABELL  
Been there.

NICK gives them a confused look.

ANNABELL  
Well, the opposite of there, but, like, the same there. Only different.

NICK nods, getting what they mean but also not at the same time.

NICK  
Great.

There's a pause.

NICK  
Just… I feel so weird all of the time.

MILO and ANNABELL both nod, getting it, as NICK goes on:

NICK  
Like, I think girls are gorgeous and I think guys are gorgeous, and I want to _be_ all of them. Like, I see shit my ex-girlfriend wears and I’m like “oh, that’s so cute, I want to look like that”, and then I see shit the guy I like wears and I’m like “oh, I should want to look like that, and I do, but I don’t?”. Like, what the fuck?

MILO nods, breathing out an ironic laugh.

MILO  
Oh, yeah.

NICK nods frantically.

NICK  
Yeah. Like… I want to be a guy, and I don’t want to be a girl, but like… I feel like I want to be a guy because society and shit?

He looks between the two of them, shrugging, as they exchange a look.

MILO  
It sounds like you might be non-binary.

NICK stutters for a few moments, waving his hands about.

NICK  
But I still feel like a guy. Ish.

ANNABELL  
Non-binary doesn’t mean a third gender, Nick. I mean, it can mean that for some people, but it just means not being a binary gender.

NICK looks confused, so ANNABELL goes on:

ANNABELL  
Like, I identify as non-binary, right? But I still feel connected to womanhood through being a lesbian. Like, I’m not a girl, but I am, but I’m not.

They hold their hand up in the air.

ANNABELL  
Just imagine that the concept of a girl is here.

They hold their other hand about an inch to the left from it.

ANNABELL  
I’m here. Just, like, to the left.

NICK nods, slowly understanding.

NICK  
Like… Yeah. Yeah, that’s it. Like, I feel most like a guy when I’m talking about liking guys.

ANNABELL holds their hands out in a shrug.

ANNABELL  
That’s the beauty of not being straight, babe.

NICK nods, still a bit confused.

NICK  
Yeah… But, um, I’m cool with being called a he? Like, I don't like it, but I don't mind it. But I… I don’t know how I would feel about being a they.

MILO clears their throat before speaking.

MILO  
Well, sometimes it can change depending on how you’re feeling.

NICK nods, motioning for them to go on, so they do.

MILO  
Like, some days I feel like a guy. So I go by he/him. Then some days I feel more like a girl, so I use she/her. Then other days I feel like neither, so I use they/them. Like today.

NICK nods, his brow furrowed.

NICK  
How do you know, though?

MILO shrugs casually.

MILO  
I just do. If I have a day where I don’t really know, I mostly use they.

NICK nods.

NICK  
Okay… But how did you _know?_

MILO looks over at ANNABELL, who nods, beginning to speak:

ANNABELL  
It took me ages to figure out. ‘Cause, you know, I’m femme. But, like… It was just kind of being uncomfortable with being a “woman” and shit. Yeah, a lot of it was misogyny shit, but… It was just like I never was one. I’m just… Vibing.

MILO nods, laughing a little.

MILO  
Yeah, a lot of people don’t realise being non-binary is mostly about vibing.

NICK looks confused.

MILO  
Like, gender is all about being comfortable and confident in your body and your skin, and doing whatever you want to be happy.

NICK slowly nods, pulling at his collar again.

MILO  
People think it’s this binary of flat chest and penis, breasts and vagina, and question mark, when it’s just whatever you want.

ANNABELL laughs, nodding.

ANNABELL  
Yeah, it’s about liking your body.

MILO nods.

MILO  
Like, I’m non-binary and I don’t want to do anything to change my body. I’m really chill here, but it’s different for other people.

ANNABELL nods.

ANNABELL  
Yeah. I mean, I like having long hair and wearing make-up, but I would really like to get top surgery someday.

NICK nods, smiling supportively.

MILO  
Yeah, and I like wearing breast enhancers some days.

ANNABELL sighs dreamily.

ANNABELL  
If only we could find a machine to swap body mass.

MILO gazes lovingly at them.

MILO  
That would just make life perfect.

NICK nods, confusedly beginning to smile.

NICK  
So… So I can…

MILO and ANNABELL look at him as he furrows his brow, smiling.

NICK  
Sorry, I’m just… I can be whatever I want?

MILO nods, like "obviously".

MILO  
Yeah. Who’s gonna stop you? The gender police?

ANNABELL nods, fake-sympathetic.

ANNABELL  
It’s okay, Milo, just say cis people.

A laugh goes around the table.

NICK  
Okay. Um, can… Can I try out using they?

ANNABELL nods enthusiastically.

ANNABELL  
Yeah, totally!

MILO  
Yeah, trying new pronouns is always fun.

NICK nods, tapping his hands on the table nervously.

NICK  
Cool. Cool. 

He puts on a deeper, more dramatic voice.

NICK  
“There goes Nick, they’re so hot and sexy”.

ANNABELL and MILO laughs.

NICK  
“There goes Nick, he’s so hot and sexy”.

He takes a moment, thinking, and then nods.

NICK  
I like both. But-- But I think I might prefer they? Is that okay?

ANNABELL  
Fuck yeah. 

MILO laughs, nodding.

MILO  
Using multiple pronouns is so much fun when you’re introducing yourself to cis people, they always get so confused and concerned about which is the “right one”, it’s so fun.

NICK nods, laughing a little.

NICK  
God. This-- Why is this so easy? I thought it was meant to be all hard and sad and shit.

ANNABELL breathes out a laugh, a bit more serious.

ANNABELL  
Spoiler alert: it can be. But the secret cis people don’t want you to know is that gender identity and expression exploration is really fun. They just don't want people to know it because they don't want more "transgenders".

MILO  
Yeah, they like to focus on our pain and trauma to make us seem so alien and different, when, really, we’re just so much more fun than them.

They all laughs.

ANNABELL  
Exactly! And they’re so scared of our sexualities, like “I wouldn’t fuck you”. Bitch, I wasn’t offering!

NICK snorts.

MILO  
Exactly! And when I say I’m just “queer”, they’re like “be more specific”.

NICK  
You don’t owe them shit.

MILO and ANNABELL  
Yeah!

They point at each other and laugh.

ANNABELL  
Jinx.

NICK  
And-- And I can be bisexual and like anyone because… I am.

MILO nods.

MILO  
Yeah. Your identity is your business.

NICK nods, believing it for the first time.

NICK  
Yeah.

The song in the background changes from _"Dancing Queen"_ to _"Mamma Mia"_ \- a cheer going all around. NICK freezes, confused again.

NICK  
Wait, how do I tell people?

ANNABELL shrugs.

ANNABELL  
It’s just like coming out with sexuality. 

MILO holds up a hand, taking a moment to gather their thoughts.

MILO  
But, like… It’s still different. Like, I think cis-het people see sexuality as “a part” of someone, but gender is someone. Like, people change their pronouns and names and that’s basically someone’s whole identity. It’s weird.

There's a silence. They go on.

MILO  
Like, when I came out to my parents, they were super chill about it, but would still slip up about my name sometimes.

NICK looks at them, confused.

NICK  
Wait, Milo isn’t your real name?

MILO sighs - more out of habit than genuine frustration.

MILO  
It is my real name, but it’s not my birth name.

NICK quickly nods.

NICK  
Oh. Right. Sorry.

MILO  
It’s fine. You just didn’t understand.

NICK  
Okay.

There's a silence.

NICK  
I mean, all of my friends are binary. I just don’t know if they’ll understand.

ANNABELL stares at him blankly for a moment.

ANNABELL  
Nick, most of your friends are trans.

NICK shrugs self-consciously.

NICK  
I know, but… being non-binary and being trans is different.

MILO raises an eyebrow.

MILO  
Um, not really?

NICK looks at them, confused.

MILO  
It’s like a fingers and thumbs situation. All non-binary people are trans, but not all trans people are non-binary. Trans just means being “not cis”. People can choose not to identify as trans, but being non-binary is inherently transgender.

NICK nods, listening.

NICK  
Oh, okay.

ANNABELL  
And, besides, you never know what people have going on in their own lives. They could be non-binary and just not know it yet, or closeted.

NICK  
Yeah, fair.

He laughs a bit, leaning back in his chair.

NICK  
Damn, y’all are educational.

ANNABELL  
Well, this place is really helpful. And fun. We're doing a big Hannukah party in December, it's gonna be _lit_.

They all laugh.

MILO  
Yeah. I love this place. Actually, Tasha over there did my tattoo.

NICK's eyes go wide as he smiles.

NICK  
You have a tattoo?

ANNABELL looks between them, shocked.

ANNABELL  
Oh, they didn’t show you yet?

MILO pulls up the sleeve of their shirt, and on their left forearm are the words "DENY ME AND BE DOOMED".

MILO  
Boom. Got in on my 18th birthday.

NICK grins, nodding as he stares at it.

NICK  
Cool. What does it mean?

MILO shrugs, a bit nervous.

MILO  
Uh, it’s a quote from Hedwig and the Angry Inch - highly recommend watching it, by the way. For me, it means… I exist. I am a fully realised person. You can’t deny that I’m real and alive and deserve to be real and alive. 

NICK nods, listening as deeply as he can.

MILO  
And… It’s kind of a reminder for me. To not deny myself of things to make me happy, or to not deny myself the truth. Denial is… a bigger problem than people like to admit.  
  


NICK nods, laughing bitterly.

NICK  
Yeah. I basically denied I had a drug problem for years and now I’m finally realising “oh, that’s there”, and… Now I’m trying to fix it. 

ANNABELL's eyes go wide as MILO nods, covering their arm back up again.

MILO  
That’s really brave.

ANNABELL  
Yeah, good for you! Asking for help is always the hardest part.

NICK snorts.

NICK  
Yeah, tell me about it.

MILO  
That’s probably why denial is easier.

NICK  
‘Cause admitting feelings is such a mortal hell.

ANNABELL  
Exactly!

They sigh.

ANNABELL  
Seriously, when I had my crush on Bree during Rent last year, I was a mess in here.

MILO laughs as NICK's eyes go wide.

NICK  
Wait, you had a crush on Bree? Brianna Holland?

MILI cackles, nodding.

MILO  
Oh my God, they did! They made a playlist about her and everything!

ANNABELL screams into their hands, making NICK laugh loudly.

ANNABELL  
Shut up! I’m over it.

They sigh, fixing their hair.

ANNABELL  
Anyways, it was a grand love mystery shape. Me liking Bree, Bree liking Rori, and Rori liking her back--

All light leaves NICK's face as his jaw slacks - what the fuck?

ANNABELL  
But she was dating you, but then you broke up and they got together and it was all happy endings.

NICK blinks rapidly at them.

NICK  
Wait, what?

ANNABELL's eyes go wide.

ANNABELL  
Did-- Didn’t you know?

NICK leans back in his chair.

NICK  
I did not.

ANNABELL  
Oh fuck, I had no idea.

NICK  
She fucking… Oh my God.

He wipes his face down with his hands, scoffing in disbelief.

NICK  
Bree is literally the fucking girl version of me. She was literally talking about dying her hair pink a while ago, and… Oh my God, everyone fucking knew. Oh, fuck, it was so obvious. I just pretended I didn’t notice, oh fuck.

ANNABELL nods gravely.

ANNABELL  
I pretend I do not see, but in reality I do.

NICK nods, just as serious.

NICK  
Yeah! Fuck.

He runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head as MILO awkwardly laughs.

MILO  
Well! This is great!

NICK laughs again, completely humourless as _"Mamma Mia"_ finally wraps up in the background.

NICK  
Fuck, I just… I have so much emotion in my me that I can’t get it out?

MILO looks at the stage behind him.

MILO  
Then sing about it.

NICK sputters, shaking his head.

NICK  
This isn’t that Glee show all the theatre kids have opinions on!

ANNABELL nods to MILO.

ANNABELL  
We do, to be fair.

MILO shakes a hand in their face dismissively.

MILO  
But it’s karaoke night. Just pick a song you like.

NICK shrugs, self-conscious.

NICK  
I don’t…

He looks over at the stage. He looks around the room full of strangers, breathing more heavily - the pull of anonymity.

NICK  
Okay, fuck it.

He stands up, taking his coat off and hanging it on the back of the chair.

MILO  
Oh, the coat's coming off!

ANNABELL  
Use your tenor range!

NICK laughs and starts to walk towards the stage where a tall white woman is fiddling with the speakers.

NICK  
Can-- Can I go next?

The woman turns and smiles at him - a very similar smile to MILO.

  
EMMA  
Oh, Nick! Milo said you would be coming. Sure, just give me a little bit.

She keeps fidgeting with the wires.

EMMA  
These speakers are being weird today, God knows why.

NICK glances out at the room full of people, a lot of whom are staring at the stage with a bored curiosity. NICK shrugs, taking a deep breath and jogs onto the stage, undoing the top button of his shirt as he does.

NICK  
[loudly] Uh, hi! How are we doing tonight, everyone?

There's some applause and cheers - they're not taking it seriously, just goofing around.

NICK  
Cool, cool. We’re having a technical issue, so y’all can go back to your conversations, but I am having a _night_ , so I will speak!

He sighs dramatically, putting a hand on his forehead as the crowd laughs. He smiles to himself, still breathing heavily, still shaking slightly, and stands upright.

NICK  
So, just to introduce myself, hello. I am Nick. Questioning pronouns, but trying they/he. I just realised I am non-binary, which is why I don't have a cool-ass sticker like the rest of you. This also is how I am coming out to my little brother, who is sitting over there. Hi, Luke!

He waves over to LUKE, who is watching him with constantly raised eyebrows, full of anxiety.

NICK  
Anyways, and just a few minutes ago, I found out my ex-girlfriend has been dating one of my best friends behind my back for months!

There's a collective wince from the audience as NICK nods, laughing.

NICK  
Which is just so much fun, you know? It’s like yeah, I know I’m annoying. I know I’m loud and flamboyant and “feminine”, but I thought: “hey, at least one straight girl likes me. At least I got that going for me”, but then she goes and starts dating a whole entire woman!

The audience laughs, NICK nodding along with it.

NICK  
And, funny this, this ex-girlfriend of mine, I met her because she slept with my male best friend, who I am madly in love with, and have been for many years, and then he started to date her best friend! And the second he decided he wasn't straight, he fell in love with some random new guy who looks like the token gay character in a CW show!

The audience laugh at the absurdity of it all, NICK raising his eyebrows in solidarity.

NICK  
My friend group has dated so incestuously that we should be the next generation of Riverdale characters!

Loud laughter, NICK joining in.

NICK  
And yes, I am weird, I am a weirdo, I don’t “fit in”, because I don’t want to fit in. I want to be held!

There's some loud cheering, MILO and ANNABELL raising their arms in support as NICK laughs, pointing at them.

NICK  
Thank you, some lonely gays in the house tonight.

Some more cheers, as a loud hiss comes from the speakers, NICK jumping back as EMMA gives him a thumbs up. NICK leans forward to speak into the microphone.

NICK  
Oh, okay, the speakers are back up. Thank you for coming to my short form improv stand up comedy, I’m going to be annoying and sing now!

Laughter and applause - NICK didn't expect that - as the room goes silent, everyone paying attention to him now. He looks over at MILO, who gives him a big smile. A single chord rings out as NICK nervously begins to sing:

NICK  
 _I want you to know, that I am happy for you_

There's some recognition from the audience, NICK nodding.

NICK  
Yeah, I'm doing this.

Laughter, NICK joining in bitterly as he keeps singing.

NICK  
 _I wish nothing but the best for you both_

For a moment, silence. And then the guitar kicks in, NICK nodding in time to the beat.

NICK  
 _The perfect version of me  
_ _Is she perverted like me?  
_ _Would she go down on you in a theater?_

He dramatically raises his eyebrows, faux-scandalised as the audience laughs, covering up aim of his singing - he gets louder, trying not to be frustrated with himself.

NICK  
 _So she speaks eloquently  
_ _And she could have your baby  
_ _I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother_

He laughs humorlessly to himself, shaking his head.

NICK  
 _'Cause the love that you gave that we made  
_ _Wasn't able to make it enough for you  
_ _To be open wide_

He laughs again, his knuckles white against the microphone.

NICK  
 _And every time you speak his name  
_ _Does he know why you told me  
_ _You'd be there until you died  
_ _'Til you died, but you're still alive  
_ _And I'm here, to remind you  
_ _Of the mess you left when you went away_

He looks down at himself - at _themself_ \- and shakes their head, tapping their chest as they shake their head.

NICK  
 _It's not fair, to deny me  
_ _Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
_ _You, you, you oughta know_

They stop laughing, letting themself be serious, be angry as they mess up their hair - wanting to rip it out and start over.

NICK  
 _You seem very well, things look peaceful  
_ _I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know_

Their whole body starts to get into it, jerking to the music, intense and fast and nothing but emotion.

NICK  
 _Did you forget about me, Mrs. Duplicity?  
_ _I hate to give 'em so much to live up to  
_ _It was a slap in the face  
_ _How quickly I was replaced  
_ _And are you thinking of me when she fucks you?_

They shake their head, letting out a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling.

NICK  
 _'Cause the love that you gave that we made  
_ _Wasn't able to make it enough for you  
_ _To be open wide, no  
_ _And every time you speak her name  
_ _Does she know why you told me  
_ _You'd be there until you died  
_ _'Til you died, but you're still alive_

They stomp the ground aggressively, and belt out all the anger, all the shame, all the repression they've done for the last 17 years of their life.

NICK  
 _And I'm here, to remind you  
_ _Of the mess you left when you went away  
_ _It's not fair, to deny me  
_ _Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
_ _You, you, you oughta know_

They take a shaky breath, resting a hand on their heart.

NICK  
 _I, I…_

They start to get more into it, messing with their hair, trying to shake the costume they've put on off.

NICK  
 _I, I…  
_ _I_

They sing higher as, in the audience:

MILO  
Yes, work!

ANNABELL  
Woo!

NICK gets more into it, beginning to smile in their anger, revelling in having people to listen, to pay attention - to take them seriously.

NICK  
 _I  
_ _I, I, I  
_ _I_

They sing an incredibly high note, and there's some surprised applause from the audience as NICK gets more into it - not performing the song, but _embodying_ it.

NICK  
 _'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me  
_ _And I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes  
_ _And you know it  
_ _And every time I scratch my nails  
_ _Down someone else's back, I hope you feel it  
_ _Well, can you feel it?_

They bang their chest, jumping up and down as they sing, not caring if they sound good - you don't need to sound pretty when you have that much feeling inside of you.

NICK  
 _And I'm here, to remind you  
_ _Of the mess you left when you went away  
_ _It's not fair, to deny me  
_ _Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
_ _You, you, you oughta know  
_ _Why I'm here, to remind you  
_ _Of the mess you left when you went away  
_ _It's not fair, to deny me  
_ _Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
_ _You, you, you_

The instrumental stops as NICK goes still, sweaty and breathing heavily.

NICK  
 _Oughta know_

They let the final note ring out as the room bursts into applause, LUKE cheering loudly as MILO, ANNABELL and several others give a standing ovation.

NICK smiles, completely in awe at the community, the love, the support that they feel, and they bow, exhaling and placing the microphone back in its stand.

_CUT TO END CREDITS AS SILENCE PLAYS_

_CUT TO BLACK_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!!!! just wanted to say that i'm so thankful for the great response this season has been getting so far and that this clip is one of my favourite things i've ever written, so if you have literally any thoughts on anything skam brighton related (or not), you can talk to me over at @yououghtaknowmp3 on tumblr. yes i changed my username in advance for this clip. please stream ezra menas's version of you oughta know for trans rights. thanks for reading, and i hope to see you at the next clip!!!


End file.
